Mr. “Oh That.”

I met this young man a few weeks ago. I’d mention his tribe but then I might seem tribalistic and I also don’t believe that his actions had anything to do with his tribe.

So this young man. He owns a shop close to my school, fairly large by comparison with others around. Short, potbellied and was always wearing this big old chain.

I had been to his shop to buy some texts for school and he got captivated by my legs. Oh no, not because they’re sexy but because they’re hairy.

“Baby,” Baby? “I love these your legs.”

I mentioned to him how much I got teased for it and my not particularly liking it and he made me a proposition. “Take my number. Anytime that anybody disturbs you just call me. I’ll take you out for ice-cream and shawarma.”

I gave my number when he mentioned not having one of the books I needed and he said he’d call when he got it. He called me that evening instead, to tell me that he loved me. He did thesame the night after that and even the one after that, on and on and on.

One day he told me that I was being mysterious so he had gone to search for me on facebook. He had seen the links to my blog and paid a visit. He’d probably see this post too. Do I care?

I opened facebook a few days later only to find that he’d sent me a friend request. I decided to look at his profile first and I found his wedding pictures. I was shocked. Disappointed but not surprised.

The next time he called me I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said, “Oh that.”

He went on to wax poetic about how he just likes me and basically he wasn’t doing anything bad. It was irritating because first of all, I had met his wife, I just didn’t know that they were married and secondly he had to drop the bullshit. His wife was right there when this fellow was trying to put his hands on me. She was in front of the shop and he was supposed to be getting me a book at the back.

The next time he called me he was full of apologies. What are you apologising for my guy? Were you drunk? Half asleep? High? Unconscious? You were well aware of waht you were doing. Barely been married for two years. I sha told him that I acccept apologies in cash.

He insists that he wants to be my friend. My reply? “OK you see what will happen? You’ll go back and tell your wife that you want to be my friend and explain the nature of the friendship to her. If she’s cool with it then we can be friends.” If his intentions were innocent then it’s not a big deal.

Also, women are my priority. His wife’s feelings are always going to be put into consideration before his.

Just imagine me jejely going to class only for a woman to come and hold me that I’ve snatched her husband. Students walking past would stop, a crowd will gather and there’d be videos and livestream. My entire extended family will start calling me.

Because of a man? Please, no.